i need to be put on house arrest.

and have my phone seized.

4am calls and scrambling home to shove all of the clothing shrapnel into the closet/ another huge pile in the corner. there are no available corners.

i sent cole to the store for more booze.

and then later didier for even more booze and cigarettes.

i literally have no soul anymore.

i'm convinced.

i don't really feel like having a moral hangover today.

there is only one thing that i would take back.

and luckily

it doesn't involve words.

or communication.

but maybe fornication.

but certainly not directly.




what am i


what have i become


how did i get here


all questions that i don't want answers to.

right
now.


denial.


hiding behind the facade of naivete?

ugh, that word is gross.


beautiful disaster by 311 just came on.

disaster.

today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two.

ha, a pretty train crash

butterfly in the wind without a ca-a-a-a-aaaare


last night some chach at sessions told me i smelled amazing and then asked me if it was GAP "Grass."

play it cool with the fragrance naming there, hotshot.

it's the new dolce and gabbana


i also guess that everyone on the UES had somewhere better to go by the time 3am rolled around.

either that or they had to put there sweater sets to bed.

so today i want to see someone i haven't seen in a long time.

and go for a walk maybe.

or a coffee.

or watch on demand at my apt over a lager.

eric clapton just came screaming out of the speakers.

the oh so familiar opening riffs of cocaine.


will i ever be able to comb out these tangles?

yesterday i was feeling like a middle distance runner but that was not appropriate. i was not lonely yesterday.

today, i am surely a middle distance runner.

maybe the only one in the whole wide world.




i need company.

or an intervention.