how fucking romantic,
must we really waltz?
drag another cliche
howling from the vaults.

tonight i crave two songs the most:

100,000 fireflies

and

how fucking romantic


why? i don't know.

i


just


do



have you ever rolled?

i'm serious. i never have. sure, i've eaten rolls. a few times, but i've never actually rolled. i've never experienced the alleged "orgasm on wheels" as it was put recently.

let's see, there was

a dud

a weird emotionally creepy spun out sort of night

a mellow time with lots of rain puddles

and another flop


hmmm. nope, there certainly wasn't any euphoria.

so since i don't feel like i've ever really done it, or done it well (is this sad? am i an old post-college has been talking about doing a janky pre-college drug?)- every time i know i'm going to i get kind of nervous.


like the first time.


the first time.


the
first
time.


for some reason those words feel very forceful.


but i'm always hoping someone will have the first time experience with me. sort of like a hand holder or just an equally as unpracticed confederate.

that anxious sensibility. only sponsored by the first time.

it's kind of like that awkward feeling i used to get when i hung out with this guy andy after we broke up. (not so much the hand holding thing, but that uncomfortable build up.) neither of us were dating anyone when we got to school in the same town and we were always friends so we would make plans to rendezvous sometimes. [as a side note: is it possible to remain amicable with someone you really love after you break up?] the planning was fun, but the actual ride over to his house was so terrible. i always felt like a hooker for hire. we'd walk in and hang out for a little bit and then it'd be like welp! time to strip down and do this.
one time we broke into his parents' house while they were out of town to hook up in their huge jacuzzi but they had turned the water heater off before they left. so, there we were- under glaring yellow vanity lights. in this enormous tub. staring at each other's naked bodies in 3 inches of ice cold water thinking please god, tell me there is more than this.

freshmen. such kids!

but i digress.

ROLLING. E. X. whatever

can someone please hold my hand?