i just found this email i composed to him (But never sent) on Feb 25 of this year.
holy kamoly, i was feeling it for this long?

"this is not intended to freak you out, but it might.

i don't think you love me anymore.
and if you do, i think you're lying to yourself. or just putting up a front since you are bringing your mother to nyc and she is planning to see me.

i don't know if you love someone else. i don't want to know- i can't think about that.

i can't remember the last time we felt close.

anyway, i can't expect that you would still be "in love" with me. we barely talk. the last time i spoke to you was 5 seconds on sunday. the emails and messages are few and far between. you have your life doing whatever it is you do and i have mine. there is no unit.

i know you are ok and doing well and don't need me to get through the day.

i think we owe it to ourselves and be honest with each other. because no matter what we still love each other. i don't want you to keep me around just because you're afraid of being alone.

i think this thing is kind of a cop out for both of us. neither of us have to try to meet people to keep our parents and grandparents happy. we don't have to make an effort because we have our relationship as a big fat excuse.

i know nothing about your life anymore. i have no idea where you go or who you hang out with. i know you hang out with steven and kev and girls from paris and your uncle and that's about it. other than that, for all i know, you could have an entire other girlfriend or fuckbuddy or could be working as a russian spy. i don't even know what you do at work. or what's happening there except that you and alain had an argument yesterday.

and i'm sure you're reading this thinking you don't need this shit. and you don't. neither of us do. i have tears in my eyes as i write it.

when did we stop fitting into each other's lives?

and don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm doing a good job of keeping the love light burning either. i can't figure out how you're not freaking out too. that's the only reason why i would suspect you have a new girlfriend or love interest. because you just don't seem to notice and when i bring it up, you only want to gloss over it and be done with it. i don't get any further insight into your busy life that doesn't involve me.

this is not a breakup email. do not reply defending every sentence PLEASE. just think really hard about what you really want and if it's not me, tell me. i'm going crazy. "