POSSIBLY.

i hope that you are having the time of your life.
but think twice.
that's my only advice.

i can't even remember how i felt yesterday. i remember being in my pajamas. SO HAPPY to finally be here. after driving all night with complete strangers. i was here.

my mother and father heard me pull up at 4:30am and came to the door to hug me and kiss me. i came and sat in there room for a few minutes to tell them about the drive and we talked about how excited we were for the weekend.

i went to sleep feeling so full and happy and tired but brimming with comfort and ease and security and all of those fucking warm feelings you get when there is so much love around you.

and at 7:45 i woke up. already. too excited. didn't want to miss one single second of seeing everyone. certainly not for sleep.

at 8:45 i was about to have a cup of coffee. i was sitting in my pajamas reading the paper and looking out at the beach when the phone rang.

uncle mike picked up.

"hi bill... what?.... yes....are you serious... ok we'll be right there."

he turns to us and says bill's on the golf course and started having chest pains. we need to go there now.

i don't even really remember running to put on pants and a bra.
the ride was a complete blur. a haze of ocean scenery and salty tears and words. words all around me.

i got out of the car and started walking.
past the security.
past the front desk.
past the club members dining on breakfast and preparing for their golf games.
out the back doors.

ambulances. emergency workers. a stretcher. an oxygen mask. golf clubs. an incomplete scorecard. my dad.

i couldn't look. i couldn't talk. my legs went numb. i stared at the fat policeman's back and cried.

what is this?

no. no. no.

and stupid questions. "do you want me to take the clubs... should we pick up peter... are you okay...???"
WHAT WHAT WHAT

louise drove to the hospital. mom was in the ambulance. mike went home to make sure the girls were ok.

hell. the drive to southampton hospital.
45 minutes through amagansett, easthampton, southampton, bridgehampton, water mill.

we get there and my mom looks like a corpse. white with huge sunken eyes. she looked like wax until her eyes started watering. and she broke.

cracked down the center. dissolved. sobs and an almost inaudible "he had another one in the ambulance."

time stopped. slow motion. everything around me. moving. blurred and slow. nothing registering. nothing engaging.

the world ceased to exist.

my dad.

a hole ripped in my heart. chaos and disbelief and the most indescribable emotional pain pushing down on my body. sinking sinking sinking.

through the cracked vinyl chair.
through the linoleum floor.
through the cinderblock and concrete foundation of the creeky old hospital.
through the cool top layer of the ground.
to a warm dark place.
impenetrable.
warm and dark and safe. and no room from these huge emotions bouncing off the walls and chairs and empty spaces in the waiting room.

then the nurse burst through the doors and took my mom. like a mother scooping her baby up out of harm's way.
my own mother as frail and lost as a child. the nurse her only guide.

i dont remember the time that passed. minutes and hours. she came and got me.
my mom.

i get to see my dad.
wipe your tears.
put on a happy face. crack jokes. tell him the tubes look good on him.
tell him you love him so fucking much.

he is so tiny and sweet and delicate.
and pale and weak and deathly.

i reach for his hand.

they know nothing. where is the doctor??

more time. more waiting room.
i have not let go of his pullover. hugging it. the smell of dad still on it.
issey miyake.

you just don't know what to do with yourself.
mother & father.
my legs to stand on.
the most important people in my life.
my rocks. my strength.
YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME.
I WILL NEVER RECOVER.


...................will continue later. this is emotionally fucking draining...........................