today i'm stoked.

a 27% raise they gave me.

my big boss comes over to my desk, wielding a lovely bottle of chardonnay (ps there's a "hardon" in chardonnay) and anyway... she hands me this letter. sweet justice.

27% dude.

basically i can keep my job here and fly to nyc every single weekend now if i want to.
i can afford to get a manicure and pedicure every day.
i can go to barcelona to visit micah!!!!!!!!!!!

it was a cool day.

my aunt louise emailed me to tell me that my cousin wrote an essay about me at school. the subject was attainable dreams and she wrote about my success and that she wanted to be just like me.

thank god i've fooled someone.
phew, even if it is a 15 year old.

the bad news of the day/week is that i'm ugly as shit this week.

seriously. looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit right now. what the hell. maybe it's the blow my self esteem took last week? maybe crying for 4 straight days... my face got all swollen and puffy and you could blindfold me with dental floss.

rona emailed me today that if i couldn't make dinner and drinks friday night in south hampton, we need to have lunch on saturday. yesssssssssssss. i have business to discuss.

fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

mr.sunday night emailed me tonight.

what a nice person, why do i not give a shit. he is too TOO nice and not worldly enough. reminded me of my ex, J.

J was such a sweetheart. had a ridiculous temper, but never with me. thought i hung the moon. but drove me INSANE because it felt like he was my clone. i am very protective of my identity. he wanted in too badly. pushed and pushed and pushed until i broke.

i moved to nyc and broke.

and wanted to date other people.

and there was ONE particular one that i had in mind. i remember it SO WELL.
this guy.
took my breath away.
i tried everything to run into him. i met him at a party. he asked about me. so i mustered up the balls to invite him over.
i barely knew him.
but had a
HUGE CRUSH.

it was a disaster. not the way i wanted things to work out at all. in the end, it was cool. we became friends. got into trouble from time to time, and remain in touch.

he has changed his ways and is practically a saint now. i wish him
every
good
feeling.
he was always an open book. i never expected more than he gave.
i hoped for it, sure.

but he never misled me.

i never believed he was better than he was.
.........

where the hell was i going with this...
umm, i don't know.

every time after a major break up, i like to take inventory. where i've been, hindsight, what i want go-forward........ etc etc blahblahblahblublu blah....

i relooked at all of my big relationships the other day on the long plane ride.

i've run the gamut.

i've seen a lot. and tried a lot. and experienced a lot. and evolved a lot.

jljflajhfhkdajhfkahfkja

more more more.



it's my birthday on thursday.
wheeeeeeeeeeeee