I have only been THINKING about coming back to my blog for nearly 2 years now. I just haven't felt inspired or motivated.

and sometimes I don't know who I am and I think WHAT IS THE POINT

but i'm back


and i'm super into it

it could be this lovely evening beer i've just imbibed. or it could be that lately i've been so inspired by people with awesome ideas facilitating and creating super cool things. i kept thinking i needed to start documenting these things i've been so taken with (sorry this post is lame and serious and blahblahblah), but it still wasn't enough to make me log into blogspot..... THEN 100% out of the blue, i was looking at the DANNIJO new items and randomly felt overcome by this bizarre obsession with everything. And I am so super inspired by these girls with impeccable taste and this incredibly well-curated collection of jewelry that's enough to make you think they've been doing it for 50 years.
From the Dannijo website:
***************************************************************************************
So just what the world needs...... Another person with a blahblahblahwhatever blog about themselves and the things they're into/not into. YES! DUH!!! i love talking about things pertaining to me!

sorry world, i guess that's what i'm prepared to give at the moment.

It's been too long.  I guess that goes without saying.  

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the weekend blues.

12 more hours to indulge in my freedom before being shackled to my desk again for another 5 days. i'm ready to quit my job.

if i was in the financial position to do it, i would in a second.

i actually cried in the bathroom on three different occasions last week. pms you might say? pffffffffffffff. i'm just finally starting to unravel i think. i have invested too much and things are starting to get to me.

so i made my dear friend have drinks with me on friday night. to "forget about work." unfortunately, conversations here always take the inevitable turn down the lets-bitch-and-moan-about-work road. that's all we have.

i stopped writing a month ago when i realized that the only thing i have to talk about anymore is fucking WORK. give me a fucking break.

--------------------------------------------------
there it is.
the line drawn in the sand.

so friday night....


my darling girlfriend came to my rescue. we went to this APT like bar that is plopped in the middle of the ghetto but is still very cool if you don't mind the occasional crackhead stumbling in. it's always a strange thing when this happens. you might think that it would be one of those moments where the record scratches and everyone stops and stares. but it's not.
not at all.
no one even skips a beat. it's as if the crackhead is a carefully chosen accessory. a little off the wall, but adds a certain character to the whole ensemble.
the bartenders are sub-par and think they are very fabulous. so at one point we started a game with the people across the bar from us. let me preface this by saying that bob thought the man was giving him the eye (even though he was with his girlfriend) and was looking for a way to make contact. i saw the girl looking for the trashbasket to throw away her napkin while i was very annoyed waiting for a new drink so i offered my glass for her to throw her napkin. and the game was a success. and the bartenders, who apparently don't like inanimate objects hurled at face level across the bar, were NOT impressed.
nor were they amused.

i seemed to be having somewhat of an identity crisis on friday night.

i went to the bathroom and the only man in the bar wearing a suit stopped me. he said, "who are you?" i said, "excuse me?" and he said, "i know you're somebody. who are you?" i told him it depends on the day. and sometimes i'm not even sure.

then later, at another bar, i was asked what country i am from. i suddenly started feeling like a martian. he may as well have asked what planet i came from.

the weekend was ok, but left me feeling unsatisfied.
i went to my favorite places and did fun things, but some reason it was off. it all felt forced this weekend. like we were re-enacting. or going through the motions...

i haven't figured out how our new friend bob, the oppressed homo, fits in yet. and i mean that in terms of: every time i meet a new person, i try to figure out how they will affect my life. like, will i still keep in touch with this person in 10 years? or even one year? you never know, he could end up saving my life one day.
it's very strange that i just met this person for the first time on thursday and have socially engaged with them every single day since then. suddenly someone you've never met before is thrown into your life and it's as if they were there all along.
you just keep the ball rolling.

we decided today that this was probably our last pool day of the summer. it is officially chilly when the sun is not up. i saw an orange leaf two days ago. i am afraid of the fall this year.
we are all on such different schedules.
the fall here comes and goes so quickly.
it is a short road to the impossibly cold winter.
christmas, new years, where will we all be?
where does time go? why isn't it tangible?
i saw weird lines on my hands and feet to day.
victims of TIME.
why am i so freaked out by it?
why has it become my enemy?

i didn't think that this would be when i would post this, but i had a tragedy last week.
i found out that a friend/old neighbor from my last days of college/freedom before starting a "career" died recently.
26 years old.
found out she had breast cancer and was too far gone to even be treated. she lived 3 more months.
and gone.
poof!
gone!?!
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT
i had no idea.
an ex-boyfriend actually called to tell me last week.

what's so strange is that i had recently flipped through my phone and saw her number and thought, i wonder how she's doing? i wonder if i'll ever talk to her again?

i guess not.

it's so strange.

time.

it's like quicksand.

it just doesn't stop.
the only absolute.
it just keeps going. steamrolls right on through.

all the sudden when things like this happen, or even when you discover new lines in your feet or hands, it's as if you're in a vacuum. everything fast forwards.
all at once.
suddenly your fresh and unique life is a grotesque example of how we're all the same. and how we're powerless against time.

so what do you do?

yesterday i wanted to come home and cry into my cheerios. not because i should've been a better friend to stephanie but because of her shining example. you get so caught up in the day to day bullshit that suddenly a year or 10 years have gone by and you didn't' even notice. sure we all know the way it works. you grow up, you get old, you die. but it always seems vague and so far in the distance that it's not even a speck on the horizon. and then you see stephanie. instead of life's usual slow and steady burn to nothingness, she went: BOOM!
an explosion.
the silent predator suddenly exposed.

time to do something about it.

time to make a list and be wise with your time. economize.
you minutes are worth more than your dollars.

make an impression.

it's the only thing you CAN do.

have fun and leave a legacy.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
so much to do.

and bigger question:
why do i continue to go back there?

they have this lame vip room that's free booze for members so after a carafe of sake and a glass of kir, we went to sugar.

the mistake, my friends, is in mixing up the drinks. why can't i stick to one thing?

am i that non-committal to where i can't even drink the same alcohol for a whole evening? it doesn't even have to be the exact same. just the same genre would be good.

it was because we went for sushi (so i had to drink sake) and then to this wine bar (so i had a kir) and then since we were all dressed up, we decided to show up at sugar. dance off the spring rolls and do a few laps and hi-how-are-you-it's-so-great-to-see-yous and then leave. nope.

first, i went to order a drink and the mob around the bar was sick. i immediately wanted to retreat but i thought no. don't be a brat. just wait and drink for free so you don't hate yourself in the morning for having a huge bar tab from a wannabe bar.
unfortunately, that was not in the cards.

after finally scraping to the bar (dead center) i was patiently waiting for one of the bartenders when an overly manicured asshole in a black button-down shirt starts literally dangling money over my head. count them: 1, 2 dollars. $2!! are you serious???
so not only does this guy (who is at least a foot taller than me) basically have his arm resting on top of my head, but he is waving $2 at the female bartender, who is wearing red ruffled underpants, fish nets, and a black top. i thought no way is this cute little waitress who totally has it going on right now, going to go for this heteroquestionable broke dick's two crumpled dollar bills.
i turned to him and said ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and he persisted. only this time i realized he must only have $2 because he spent the rest of his allowance on hair gel and this heinous express-mens getup.
no sooner did i think this guy was toast, than did the bartender turn our way. approaching in slow motion. locked and ready to fire.
suddenly her eyes break from mine.
"what can i get for you?"
and the fucking harlet snatches the two dollar bills out of the guys hand.

that's it.
i couldn't do it.
i took off for the pedestrian bar where the wannabes actually want-to-be instead of think-they-are.



we had one more encounter with the bad metrosexual. it involved painfully watching him pursue this girl on the dancefloor... to the point of: it was so tragic, i actually felt a little sorry for him.
body: 8
hair & clothes: 4
moves: -14

he was so jerky and awkward that we stood in disbelief that this person even exists.
it was like the elaine benes, the carlton, and the hokey pokey all rolled into one. and the girl actually, literally, RAN away.

poor guy.
i hope he got his $2 worth.

i'm boring.

i said it.

maybe not boring. maybe just lazy.

and still uninspired.

i need a new adventure.

i laid in the sun and contemplated the next thing. where to go, what to do...
i had exactly 3 phone conversations while on the roof. and all of them came back to the same thing: the next big adventure.
it was a detox sort of weekend.
all of the close friends out of town and that was a-ok.
i read two books.
i got a haircut.
i bought a dress.
i went to the grocery store.
i didn't speak to anyone.
i even went to church.
sometimes, the greek cathedral is an amazing place for meditation. i wish these pictures did it justice. in the morning. when the sun is shining, it looks so clean and white and beautiful.





this morning was not so peaceful. i just could not connect to anything, even myself and my thoughts. i sat in the back with a gaggle of squealing children and their gabby luncheoning mothers. the kids were adorable and fun. their mothers were cloying and obnoxious. i had a hard time chalking their constant chatter up to youth and naivete. then the priest gave a major guilt speech of the you-don't-come-to-church/volunteer/giveenoughmoney persuasion (just the kind that turns me off from the church). and to top it off i was paraded around by a woman who announced that it was her mission to introduce me to EVERYONE at the coffee hour.
awesome.
so much for laying low.

oh well. the weekend was sanctuary in and of itself. i am not exhausted today.

i just guess i have lost all of the interesting things that i used to think about?
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

still trying. still fucking trying.

no worries. it will come.

summerdress is in the blog junkyard.

maybe shoved on a shelf in the garage.

or under the bed.

or in a random cabinet in the kitchen.

it is here, but it doesn't really exist.

i am doubting myself.

i am happy confused.

maybe a little bit fucked up.

and freaking out.

what am i doing?

alkdlfjaljfahfoajfladjfl lkadf;lakjfdljwoejf

have to go to bed then.

yikes.