do you ever find yourself in these situations where you don't know how to act/what to say/ how to carry yourself?

there is this person.

you lust/like/love this person.

you have nothing to say because how are you supposed to be?

you are yourself.

but only at 73% or maybe selfconscious about what 100% is?

today i am insecure.

is she smarter/prettier/wittier/funnier/more successful than me?


i am just 1 of 928391237.
girls.
lined up.

like models at a "casting call."

waiting
waiting
waiting

for them to pick my number.
call my name.

tell me that they only flatter the others for good press and good measure.
but i am the only one.

did you ever hope to be the reason someone got out of bed in the morning?
can you imagine if someone said to you "i was blind until i met you"
??


and they meant it.

my imagination runs amok sometimes.

i will sit in a crowded lobby or on an airplane or waiting in line for coffee and think, if the world started to end right now, which one of these people would i rather be stuck with?

it's the same thing when people i particularly enjoy come into my life.
i try to picture this person in my future: as my close friend, husband, confidante, etc.

sometimes this is hazardous.
sometimes i imagine and i like the way it looks.
and when it's not panning out, i'm bummed.




but it's not always a person.
it's a thing: a job, a travel experience. it pops into my mind and as soon as i like the way it feels, i'm hooked.

why i believe it is so easy and so hard to be faithful.
control.

but what about when you know the ground rules from the beginning?
gutting just to think about.

you always knew what you'd get.
it was always abundantly clear where the line was.
but you let your imagination go.
beautiful mind.
beautiful future.

impossible!

you are a fuzzy billboard on an endless highway.
how do you become the destination?

silly! you can't will it!

you can just be beautiful and sincere and act with love.
be yourself.

put the jealousy aside dammit.

one of these days you will be lucky enough to have someone who will love the you that you love so much.

and you will love them back with everything.