i am always so fucking hesitant when making travel plans.

i learned tonight that the Earth is the hottest it's been in 2000 years.
i was thinking about what was happening on earth then, 2000 years ago.
doesn't it always seem like it was cold and dreary in the days of emperors and germanic tribes and all the caesars?
maybe just the movies i've been watching.
i guess it seemed pretty fucking hot in roman coliseums.

either way, i was looking at what happened in the first decade of the first century.

a lot of shit i don't remember learning?

did you know that china had its first census in the year 2 a.d.?

do you think people were smarter then?

it's not enough to acknowledge modern convenience.

like thank god for the convenience of modern technology.
give me a fucking break!

how cheap does that sound!

how irreverent!

it's not the end product that interests me so much as the thought behind it.

they were incredible thinkers!

hmmmm i don't know how to verbalize.

the thought was there.
maybe moreso than now.

but it takes time (a lot) and assemblage.

i guess.

shit. sometimes when i start thinking.. i'm pushing and maybe i'm getting to a place where i know what i'm talking about but i stop.

i choke.

i'm frustrated because i can't express myself.

anyway.

goddamn global warming.

what the fuck.

madonna turned off the a/c in chicago sunday night at the concert because of global warming.
air conditioning is no good for vocal chords.
but she also said something to the tune of, "are you hot out there? i asked them to turn off the air conditioning. you don't want to contribute to global warming, do you?"

maybe it's the mark of a 2000 year cycle.

i always try to analyze these things as signs.
i am always trying to interpret things that are probably coincidence as signs. proof.
manifestation.

i remember these little things.

and then ascribe it to a deeper relationship, deeper meaning when it shows up again in my life.

it
manifests
itself.

for example
i told someone very recently that i smelled like honeysuckle.
blahblahblah.
honeysuckle is random. how often do you talk about honeysuckle?
today i learned that in victorian times, young girls were not allowed to smell honeysuckle because it was thought to trigger erotic thought.

i didn't look for the honeysuckle.
it
found
me

ok. so now i will figure out why i needed to know that.
what does it parallel?
what is the take-away here?
what did we learn today children?

fuck. maybe just that i sometimes smell like honeysuckle and it was frowned upon for young women in the victorian era.

but how uninteresting.

it's much more exciting to think about the cycles of people with the same names in my life.

or this one:
my heart-breakingly beloved ex started playing the fucking sinatra song "fly me to the moon" right around the time that i sensed he was straying. i was so suspicious of this damn song. it held no bearing to me or us. and i knew his little signs, little obsessions. he listened to it on repeat. and obviously it wasn't reminding him of me. knowing him, he learned of this song from another woman. it reminded him of her. he was having another one of his fleeting obsessions. and he was listening to it on repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
i think the next day it became his tagline on msn (another segment of his life of which i was not a part).. and next, it became his ringtone for certain callers on his ever mysterious mobile.

phew!
anyway, this is not the point. not at all.

the point is: my darling's new favorite song quickly turned to my personal symbol of his infidelity. and ultimately:
LOATHING.

a deplorable emblem.

so then, right after the breakup, i met a new friend who showed me these very sweet animations he used to make his exgirlfriend. the first one he ever shared with me featured a rocketship, to the tune of Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to The Moon."

and my symbol of ugliness and infidelity sweetened.
it made me laugh.
and then i loved it. not in the context of my ex (honestly any reference to it from him and my head spins)... but in the context of my new friend and his beloved.

ok ok ok so what the hell does it have to do with anything and what is to take away from this?
I DON"T KNOW THE SIGNIFICANCE.

but i will know when it happens.

when i can define the parallel.


so does this make me a lunatic?
studying, documenting, analyzing details and people and events so that i can chart cycles and patterns.

it seems completely normal to me.
but when i think of it from an outside perspective, ok, maybe it's bizarre.
it doesn't seem nearly as incredible to read it in black and white.



yeah, i don't care.
this is how i remember things, by documenting.
this is how i communicate, by linking people and events.

maybe this is why it takes me some time to really warm up to most people.
i have to watch them, test them, feel them out to figure out where they are going to fit.

a giant
WEB

like how interesting it is to see how people find this blog. what did you type into your search engine that brought you here?

it reminds me of this post where i wondered what it would be like if you knew how people or places or songs or things would affect your life the first time you were ever introduced to them.

it would take some of the drama and excitement and romance out of living i think.

hmmmmmm.

beautiful life.

what next? the moon?

ha!

maybe. if it gets any hotter down here.