just more than all the stars in the sky

L-O-V-E. Love.

where is the love?

where did it go?

being loveless, is that being without love as in, i don't love anyone? or no one loves me?

or both?

today i wish to be someone else.

i hate me.

obnoxious. abrasive.
stupid.
naive.
blind.
lets_herself_get _walked_on

am i a glutton for punishment?

there are these two arguments going on in my head.
i am a dick to the undeserving.
i am a blind idiot with the ones that shouldn't matter.


these are conscious decisions i think?
to be stupid.

where do i have to go?
what do i have to do?

i am an asshole.
and a fool.

the village fucking idiot.

ajldjfladkjf;lajflkajfldksaf
i'm frustrated.
tomorrow i clean house.
purge.
make things simple and uncluttered.
de-clutter my life.
de-clutter my mind.
make space for love and happiness.

i guess.

or free thinking and independence from my neuroses.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

let the tiger out of her cage.

cat and mouse.

that's what they call it.

i just found something that was very symbolic for me.

i am in my apartment. hungry because i still have not been to the store since before leaving for Hong Kong. no time. food is not a priority at the moment.

so, ravenous, i went to the freezer thinking maybe there's one little icecream in here somewhere? and i peaked over the shelf and there it was. one last piece of my last Côte d’Or bar. THE Côte d’Or bar.

the very same one that i bought while hysterically crying in the Brussels National Airport a few months ago.

Sobbing.

went into the stupid shop to buy cigarettes, waffles, chocolate, whatever for my friends and couldn't muster up the composure to stand in there and buy anything that made sense.

i grabbed one chocolate bar, thinking i could make it last. and then it was gone. i ate the pieces very carefully. i remember i ate the last piece around the end of May. and that was it.

poof!

gone.

and now tonight i find there has been one last piece of dark chocolate here the whole time.

seems symbolic of something, though i don't know what.

i am usually quite sentimental.

but tonight i am more hungry.

YUM!

i just finished painting my fingers and toes and promptly scratched the shit out of my big toenail on the coffee table.
goroafjladfoieoigrrrr
roaroaroaoraoroaroaroar

i'm trying to dick around with my pictures from hk but they're kind of stupid. i had much better ones in turkey i think.

i was obsessed with the view out my window the WHOLE time we were there. it never got old. rolling over and seeing victoria harbour-- this incredible shoreline/cityscape/mountainscape all rolled into one.
first day was typical grey drizzly HK.

sunny and gorgeous all the days that followed.

dessert at thai lemongrass. involved coconut and corn kernels.
chinese boys. i take picture of them so it's only natural that they take picture of me.
mmmmm... so many choices. you want the plate with what appears to be chicken and small multicolored things? or what may or may not be noodles with green stuff?


philippe starck's restaurant after many glasses of wine.
the poor, unassuming gentleman i sat on all night whilst imbibing said wine. very similar to kong, in fact.
trim market

bored feet
ah angelina. she cracks me up. how serious she looks!
aqua

and more ferry rides than you can shake a stick at..
only people in all of the ferry facing the wrong way. well done katie, well done.
the wedding cake was the only way i could find my way through tower 2.

and the rest, well i'm too tired for the rest.

i just ordered pastisio for dinner. then i will break all of the good eating rules and go to sleep with a full belly.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

can't wait.

HK pictures to come.

i am exhausted.

i HAVE to sleep.

tonight has been a little bit of a disaster.

i have worked no less than 78 hours this week. in 5 days.

tonight i left the office thinking. oh my god, i'm so tired.
all i want to do is sleep and i have to go home and pack.
alkfjaldkfj

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr..........

so i came home to pack/work/go to sleep.

let me briefly flash back to last saturday night, when i was getting ready to go out, and a loud bug the size of a hummingbird flew out of the lamp in the bathroom and started bouncing of the walls/mirrors/me. i screamed.
there may have been flailing involved.
the insect (which may have actually been a loud buzzing bat) flew into a cabinet, which i shut in a very spastic way. i will probably never open that cabinet EVER again.

flash forward to tonight.

9:45pm.

home from work.
exhausted.
not wanting to pack.
sit down for a minute.
suddenly the bat-like insects two cousins (terodactyl's maybe?) emerged and tag teamed my living room.

i ran for the bug spray and had a face off with one of them who buzzed around my sconce for about 5 minutes before drowning.

it was a loud, exaggerated, buzzy death.

convinced that maybe it was only one terodactyl, i calmed down.
then, out of another wall sconce, the brother beast (a flying dragon) lets out a buzz and began ricocheting around inside like a pinball.

i was almost out of ammo and my aim was off... as i finished the spray can of bug killer, i watched it sneak up the brick wall and into the crack where it meets the ceiling.

....
are you kidding me?
no way this is happening. i have a total phobia of this kind of thing. and i'm unpacked, supposed to be on a plane in a few hours.

so after 30 minutes with my skin crawling, i decide to go to the store for backup. more spray.

is it a bee? is it a fly? is it flying hissing reptile?

home.
with every kind of spray they make.

i'm standing in the living room assessing the situation when i hear a loud pop.
another pop.
i go into the kitchen and hear water dripping.
faucet is not running.
floor is very wet near the stove.
look up.
huge bubble in the ceiling. ready to pop and expound gallons of water from the rooftop.
awesome.

dammit. this morning there was a letter from my landlord.
"... will be out of town starting friday july 14 and will not return until sunday july 23. in case of emergency call..."

oh the luck.

finally i'm calm. spoke to danny the maintenance man on call. he will come early in the morning.
phew.
just one night with the terodactyls and the bladder of water looming over my kitchen, ready to burst.

now i'm packed.
but then a huge millipede just hauled ass (mach 9) across the rug in the living room. ha!
don't cross me you bastard, i'm armed.

that's right. can of bug spray still smoking, i fired.
another one bites the dust.

somebody call a goddamn exterminator!

where the hell do you learn this shit??

too tired
too tired

t
o
o

t
i
r
e
d

ick.
soft bed.
warm pillows
sweet dreams.

now!

things move in waves. pulses. ups and downs.

he loves me, he loves me not.

here today, gone tomorrow.

april showers, may flowers.

you just never know.

today- the world undulated. my life shifted.

up

down

up

down

up

no sooner did i say, "this could be a good day, but the jury's still out," than the shit hit the fan.

then things looked up, up, UP!

and the tides continued to roll in and out for the rest of the day.

people. PEOPLE. IMPORTANT PEOPLE roll in and out of my life.

i guess relief is good. but consistency is also a plus.

i don't like feeling confused.

i said i wasn't going to write anything tonight because i need to try to sleep. last night i was convinced someone was breaking in to my apartment. so i need sleep.

no blog.

sleep.

and look at me.

writing just to defy myself.

defy my sleep.

deny my anxiety and my current fear of closing my eyes.



today she says, "can you travel next week? good because i need you to fly to hong kong on saturday."

this is where i will stay. nice room on the harbour.
kind of a sweet little setup.


i'm so lusting for an adventure. thirsting for inspiration.

i hope i get kidnapped by a band of peaceful chinese gypsies that think i am their muse.

mutual muse-dom.
that is what i wish for.

finding a muse to make the insides come alive.
being a muse to feel the overwhelming sense of meaning and belonging.

being dependent with independence.

can you feel me?

i want to love you and need you but still be myself. a free spirit bound to a glorious union.

hmmmm. is it impossible?

no, nothing is.

one of my favorite activities is beating the odds.
hearing everyone say "Impossible!" and "it's just not practical" and "it'll never work!" and proving them all
WRONG.

every
last
one.

give them all the proverbial fuckyou!


true to your god.
true to the science.
true to the spirit of the law.
true to yourself to the bitter end.

ahhhh the weekend.
i still managed to eek some life out of today, thanks to fp for keeping me awake last night long enough to sober up. thanks fp!

today i didn't wake up until after noon.
world cup final at 2.
disappointing loss (goddammit zizou) so i left to burn off the nervous energy and play tennis with the shet.

dehydration from last night's shenanigans did not bode well.
but all was good.
we got a fan club of a half dozen little boys that sat behind each of us cheering. so i had to step it up and laugh dehydration in the face. i even threw in a grunt here and there for some killer histrionics. yessssssssssss.

we laughed at the pictures from last night.
as per usual, i manage to attract the greasiest foreigner in spice. my friends just laugh now. okem or something. a turk. he spoke to me. i said where are you from. he said turkey. i said why are you here? he seemed insulted so offered that i sometimes didn't know why I was even in this city and i couldn't understand moving from bodrum to this armpit of the world.
we took this picture, shortly before saying goodbye to our turkish pals. and for the record, telling someone they look JUST like your ex-girlfriend, does not a quality pickup line make..


and still more attractive (and sober):
check the eyes actually rolling into the back of my head.
my god.

what do you think of this very ugly side of me? still like me? still want to be my friend?

****
LOVE is the essence of life. at least for me and in my mind's eye.
it seems so simple.
why do so many complications occur? where does it happen?
when you have to make choices??
pfffffffffffff i don't know. it is mentally taxing just to think about.

do you think technology and the internet are facilitators of good or evil?

today= good

woke up
got out of bed
ate breakfast
sunny day
played tennis
sat by the pool
ate organic burrito at north star
came home
world cup
showered

now i will go to EJ's to drink strongbow before going out


i am slowly learning that i have many pet peeves.
i am laid back (i think).
but there are certain little things that make me so aggro.

one is formatting.
for example, in spreadsheets. my intern is a NIGHTMARE for anal retentive formatters such as myself. she forever dicks around with my charts, updating when i ask her to- great. but i open my chart and there are random things in bold and italics, page breaks are jacked, and grid lines? jesus.
i'm not kidding at all about this.
and the one that seriously almost sends me OVER THE EDGE is opening the file to find every page's view set to 100% zoom. for chrissakes are you blind? who needs to see every word on the fucking page that big? it takes 30 minutes to scroll across the screen when the words are set to 3-mile-island-size.
it takes serious amounts of restraint not to say something. but how do i say it without sounding like a complete asshole?
sorry courtney, but i have a real problem with the fact that you leave my pages zoomed in so far when you update them. it's fine if your vision sucks and you need to see the words that big and shit, but for the love of all that is sacred, can you please put it back when you close out? thanks in advance. (ie: do it or you're fired)
of course i can't.
so instead, i try casually dropping it in conversation. we will talk about pet peeves and i will say, you know what really makes my head spin? blahblahblublublah.
nothing.
she agrees.
and promptly does it again. and maybe will throw in a completely different font in places for good measure.
it's like talking to a post sometimes.
or maybe she's waaaaaaaaaay smaarter than i think and does this shit just so see how far she can take it.
how far before i completely blow my top and she gets moved to a less workaholic fueled area of the business..

i wont even get into the other day when she turns to me in the middle of a meeting and asks if she can get lunch. yes, it was lunchtime, and everyone else was clearly sitting there whispering about being ravenous but NO ONE would just get up like "be back in a few, i'm really hungry."
i've got to hand it to her though.
this little bitch has got balls.

i discovered another one today.
it's called tennis etiquette people.
a can of tennis balls holds three shiny new balls. unless you lose one, there are three balls on the court (or vicinity) for the entire match. when you finish playing all three balls and go to pick up between points, ALL BALLS SHOULD BE PICKED UP.
this is not a joke. it is very rude when someone treks over to pick up a ball from the back fence and you stand there with one behind you and the other by the net on your side. seriously. move your ass and pick the others up! otherwise, you are ALWAYS having to pause to pick up balls.
if i had to watch kristen stand there one more time today while i was picking up a ball with a neon yellow spot in her periphery, i might have snapped. i finally started saying things like, "where's the third?" which then escalated to pointing at them and saying "ball please."

these are the things that plague me.

am i intolerant? of certain things, i guess yes.

i feel like i am very easy and laid back but i will always be a stickler for manners and etiquette. at least on my watch.

now i'm a little angsty.

time to listen to some good music and primp and preen myself before heading out tonight.
it's hot outside.
the mood is delicious.
ahhhhhh summertime, i loooooooooooove you.

it looks like i'm headed back to turkey in a couple of weeks kids.

so, we'll have a look at the last trip..
it was eventful for sure.. spent time in the hospital, danced with drag queens, haggled with a guy from long island in the grand bazaar, partied with a turkish daytime tv star, and ate more fucking kabobs than you can shake a stick at.

aye yi yi.

ok, so here it is, in all its glory..