can you imagine how painful it would be if you knew every time you were saying goodbye to someone for the last time?

like there was a little life alarm that went off like:

*********
beep beep!
this is the last time you will ever see this person! make it count!
*********

holy fuck

imagine all the people you've said goodbye to in your life.
not knowing if you'd ever see them again.

maybe you thought you would.

maybe you knew you wouldn't.

would you have said something different?





or what about people that you meet for the first time.

you NEVER know how they will affect your life.


what if someone you just happened to meet in some random situation changed your life and the way you see the world forever?

twist of fate maybe

life is incredible.

open your eyes.

and to the ones who try to bring you down....


it's like Diogenes of Sinope told Alexander the Great:

Stand out of my sunlight

xxx to you FP for the inspiration

seriously.
dying.

i need this.

right meow.

dad is getting well.
enzyme tests confirm NO heart attacks were had.

Apparently there was internal bleeding from something else causing major bloodloss... blood in stomach caused sickness which caused dehydration... the culmination being the heart-attack-like incident on the golf course. adrenaline & anxiety from thinking it was a heart attack caused a very low blood pressure (from the blood loss) to falsely elevate leading EMS people to try to lower even more. Nitro under the tongue. An almost deadly low pulse caused second heart-attack-like episode in ambulance.

blood counts revealed low hemoglobin.
endoscopy revealed ulcers in the stomach.

hooorayyyyyy totally fixable!

this weekend i will fly away again to visit the fam, make nice with the natives, and maybe misbehave a little. i can't even remember my last healthy dose of shenanigans.

i have been very concentrated.

very stressed and concentrated.

two adjectives that don't often describe me. and more importantly, two adjectives that i don't particularly want to describe me.

i like being a little bit of a loose cannon.

canon: a law, rule, or code of law/ a musical composition
cannon: a large piece of weaponry used to fire heavy projectiles.

i'll be a loose cannon, loose with my canons?

i haven't loved words in a long time. maybe time to pull out the old thesaurus and fall in love all over again.

what is the significance of the word hermetically? "the hermetic confines of an isolated life"...
what did hermes do exactly? wasn't he the messenger?
i didn't realize there was a whole religion devoted to him--- a sort of occult following: hermeticism.

AVOIDING PERSECUTION THROUGH SECRECY

ha!

it seems logical enough. but you have to be a TOTAL vault to make it work. and leave no trail. because i have found that lies are always uncovered. and it is never pretty.
-----------i don't know what i think about people anymore


weird text from nyc friend tonight:

"let's try to hook up when you are in nyc this summer. farewell."

umm, ok.

weird text last week from old nyc who moved back to colorado:

"come to denver and visit. meow"

ummm, ok.

i'm just waiting for creepy Andy P, and creepier claudio papietro to text and we'll be playing with a full deck.

i'm also waiting to get my birthday cards and bottle of cristal in the mail.

fuckers.

xexexexexexxexexexexexexexexeexexeexexexexexexexexeex
=====================================================
bdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbddbbddbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdb

a bunch of fucking broke dicks.

let me tell you where i am.

i am an open book.
alone.
but i know what i want.
i am secure & independent: socially, financially, mentally, physically.
i am ready for the next jump.
the next big thing.
i don't know what it is, but i am excited because somewhere along the way,
i grew up.

i am not a calculating person.
responsibly irresponsible.
every great thing i've ever done has involved a leap of faith.

LEAP OF FAITH.

1-2-3 JUMP!

weird thing he said as he's laying on the bed in the emergency room.

like a ghost. lips white and dry. ashy skin.

i held his hand. i was thinking to myself ** they can't take you from me. you are my dad! you are my idol. i still have so much to learn from you. **

and he said ** katel i'm not going anywhere. i still have to walk my little girl down the aisle **


skkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeerrrrrerrrrrrrrrrrt!

record scratches. forks drop on tables. people slamming on breaks.

pregnant pause.

ummm, dad. please don't tell me you are waiting for that. i'm about as far as one can possibly be from that point right now.

recent heartbreak. i'm not even back in the fucking game yet!

either way it's a pretty tall order. if i was a potential candidate, i'd be pretty fucking intimidated. having to measure up to the men in my family?

eek.

realize it ain't wise to idealize...

am i a jinx?

maybe this is just my run of bad luck?

lsjflakjflakjflakjdf;lkajlkf

sick in istanbul.
dumped in antwerp.
cancelled and alone in philly.
scared my father was dying in southampton.
cancelled and alone again in philly.
powerless in my apartment
rescheduled at 8:30am

POSSIBLY.

i hope that you are having the time of your life.
but think twice.
that's my only advice.

i can't even remember how i felt yesterday. i remember being in my pajamas. SO HAPPY to finally be here. after driving all night with complete strangers. i was here.

my mother and father heard me pull up at 4:30am and came to the door to hug me and kiss me. i came and sat in there room for a few minutes to tell them about the drive and we talked about how excited we were for the weekend.

i went to sleep feeling so full and happy and tired but brimming with comfort and ease and security and all of those fucking warm feelings you get when there is so much love around you.

and at 7:45 i woke up. already. too excited. didn't want to miss one single second of seeing everyone. certainly not for sleep.

at 8:45 i was about to have a cup of coffee. i was sitting in my pajamas reading the paper and looking out at the beach when the phone rang.

uncle mike picked up.

"hi bill... what?.... yes....are you serious... ok we'll be right there."

he turns to us and says bill's on the golf course and started having chest pains. we need to go there now.

i don't even really remember running to put on pants and a bra.
the ride was a complete blur. a haze of ocean scenery and salty tears and words. words all around me.

i got out of the car and started walking.
past the security.
past the front desk.
past the club members dining on breakfast and preparing for their golf games.
out the back doors.

ambulances. emergency workers. a stretcher. an oxygen mask. golf clubs. an incomplete scorecard. my dad.

i couldn't look. i couldn't talk. my legs went numb. i stared at the fat policeman's back and cried.

what is this?

no. no. no.

and stupid questions. "do you want me to take the clubs... should we pick up peter... are you okay...???"
WHAT WHAT WHAT

louise drove to the hospital. mom was in the ambulance. mike went home to make sure the girls were ok.

hell. the drive to southampton hospital.
45 minutes through amagansett, easthampton, southampton, bridgehampton, water mill.

we get there and my mom looks like a corpse. white with huge sunken eyes. she looked like wax until her eyes started watering. and she broke.

cracked down the center. dissolved. sobs and an almost inaudible "he had another one in the ambulance."

time stopped. slow motion. everything around me. moving. blurred and slow. nothing registering. nothing engaging.

the world ceased to exist.

my dad.

a hole ripped in my heart. chaos and disbelief and the most indescribable emotional pain pushing down on my body. sinking sinking sinking.

through the cracked vinyl chair.
through the linoleum floor.
through the cinderblock and concrete foundation of the creeky old hospital.
through the cool top layer of the ground.
to a warm dark place.
impenetrable.
warm and dark and safe. and no room from these huge emotions bouncing off the walls and chairs and empty spaces in the waiting room.

then the nurse burst through the doors and took my mom. like a mother scooping her baby up out of harm's way.
my own mother as frail and lost as a child. the nurse her only guide.

i dont remember the time that passed. minutes and hours. she came and got me.
my mom.

i get to see my dad.
wipe your tears.
put on a happy face. crack jokes. tell him the tubes look good on him.
tell him you love him so fucking much.

he is so tiny and sweet and delicate.
and pale and weak and deathly.

i reach for his hand.

they know nothing. where is the doctor??

more time. more waiting room.
i have not let go of his pullover. hugging it. the smell of dad still on it.
issey miyake.

you just don't know what to do with yourself.
mother & father.
my legs to stand on.
the most important people in my life.
my rocks. my strength.
YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME.
I WILL NEVER RECOVER.


...................will continue later. this is emotionally fucking draining...........................

i drove all the way from philly with two complete strangers because my flight got cancelled.

i got here at 4:30am.

at 8:30am that same morning my father went in to the hospital.

heart attacks they said.

he has now been there for two days.

i will be back.

today i'm stoked.

a 27% raise they gave me.

my big boss comes over to my desk, wielding a lovely bottle of chardonnay (ps there's a "hardon" in chardonnay) and anyway... she hands me this letter. sweet justice.

27% dude.

basically i can keep my job here and fly to nyc every single weekend now if i want to.
i can afford to get a manicure and pedicure every day.
i can go to barcelona to visit micah!!!!!!!!!!!

it was a cool day.

my aunt louise emailed me to tell me that my cousin wrote an essay about me at school. the subject was attainable dreams and she wrote about my success and that she wanted to be just like me.

thank god i've fooled someone.
phew, even if it is a 15 year old.

the bad news of the day/week is that i'm ugly as shit this week.

seriously. looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit right now. what the hell. maybe it's the blow my self esteem took last week? maybe crying for 4 straight days... my face got all swollen and puffy and you could blindfold me with dental floss.

rona emailed me today that if i couldn't make dinner and drinks friday night in south hampton, we need to have lunch on saturday. yesssssssssssss. i have business to discuss.

fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

mr.sunday night emailed me tonight.

what a nice person, why do i not give a shit. he is too TOO nice and not worldly enough. reminded me of my ex, J.

J was such a sweetheart. had a ridiculous temper, but never with me. thought i hung the moon. but drove me INSANE because it felt like he was my clone. i am very protective of my identity. he wanted in too badly. pushed and pushed and pushed until i broke.

i moved to nyc and broke.

and wanted to date other people.

and there was ONE particular one that i had in mind. i remember it SO WELL.
this guy.
took my breath away.
i tried everything to run into him. i met him at a party. he asked about me. so i mustered up the balls to invite him over.
i barely knew him.
but had a
HUGE CRUSH.

it was a disaster. not the way i wanted things to work out at all. in the end, it was cool. we became friends. got into trouble from time to time, and remain in touch.

he has changed his ways and is practically a saint now. i wish him
every
good
feeling.
he was always an open book. i never expected more than he gave.
i hoped for it, sure.

but he never misled me.

i never believed he was better than he was.
.........

where the hell was i going with this...
umm, i don't know.

every time after a major break up, i like to take inventory. where i've been, hindsight, what i want go-forward........ etc etc blahblahblahblublu blah....

i relooked at all of my big relationships the other day on the long plane ride.

i've run the gamut.

i've seen a lot. and tried a lot. and experienced a lot. and evolved a lot.

jljflajhfhkdajhfkahfkja

more more more.



it's my birthday on thursday.
wheeeeeeeeeeeee

today= not bad.

lovely friends, check.
cool work, check.
healthy attitude, check.
jitney reservation, check.
invitation for drinks at the private vineyard of a vendor in the hamptons this weekend, check.
birthday dinner hosted in my honor at friend's home this week, check.
birthday THROW DOWN hosted by other friends, check.

everything is cool.

i ran a 7 minute mile today. now i am eating ice cream before bed.
tomorrow i plan to write thank you cards to everyone in istanbul and get a pedicure.

i'm patiently waiting for my old writing obsession to come back.

for some reason i lost my self-expression somewhere along the way. and i've completely forgotten how to string words together in a way that makes any sense or most importantly, means anything to me. dammit!

maybe at the stroke of midnight on my twentyfifth anniversary it will all come crashing back. and i will recall why i loved/hated being imprisoned in this crazy mind. and remember how to scream at the world "DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME????"

does anybody give a damn?

kafljafafheahfieahrkajfkf;akjf

still sleepy. can't wait to get in my bed.

and for godssakes, can the shitty dreams go away?? i have managed to push him from conscious thought. if my subconscious would simply follow suit, we could all get along very nicely.

NO MORE!

you will sleep! and you will dream of moonbeams and clouds and sunshine and summmmmmmertime!

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ewwwwwwwwww

my beloved micah left me today. back to san diego. it was really sad but really rushed. so not a whole lot of time for sentimentality. but yuck. no micah.

he left me alone with his friend.

it was nice to have someone around.

we went to nordstrom's to look for bathing suits. sweet.

one of my all time favorite activities.

bathing suit shopping.

but it is completely unavoidable every year. and every year i put it off until the last possible minute. in this case, i am leaving for the hamptons on friday and need something fabulous to wear whilst sauntering around east hampton and over to cyrils.

anyway so today was the day. we left the airport and went shopping. what a nice dutiful guy he was.

and then he even bought popcorn so we could watch harry potter this evening.

why does this not interest me in the least?

it's too boring and too easy.

and this guy is SOOOOOOOOO not my type.



i think i was really mean when i was trying to make him leave tonight.
i am so tired.

i have to sleep.

first day in the office in over two weeks tomorrow.

it is going to be hell.


mikkkkkah, i miss you.

i just found this email i composed to him (But never sent) on Feb 25 of this year.
holy kamoly, i was feeling it for this long?

"this is not intended to freak you out, but it might.

i don't think you love me anymore.
and if you do, i think you're lying to yourself. or just putting up a front since you are bringing your mother to nyc and she is planning to see me.

i don't know if you love someone else. i don't want to know- i can't think about that.

i can't remember the last time we felt close.

anyway, i can't expect that you would still be "in love" with me. we barely talk. the last time i spoke to you was 5 seconds on sunday. the emails and messages are few and far between. you have your life doing whatever it is you do and i have mine. there is no unit.

i know you are ok and doing well and don't need me to get through the day.

i think we owe it to ourselves and be honest with each other. because no matter what we still love each other. i don't want you to keep me around just because you're afraid of being alone.

i think this thing is kind of a cop out for both of us. neither of us have to try to meet people to keep our parents and grandparents happy. we don't have to make an effort because we have our relationship as a big fat excuse.

i know nothing about your life anymore. i have no idea where you go or who you hang out with. i know you hang out with steven and kev and girls from paris and your uncle and that's about it. other than that, for all i know, you could have an entire other girlfriend or fuckbuddy or could be working as a russian spy. i don't even know what you do at work. or what's happening there except that you and alain had an argument yesterday.

and i'm sure you're reading this thinking you don't need this shit. and you don't. neither of us do. i have tears in my eyes as i write it.

when did we stop fitting into each other's lives?

and don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm doing a good job of keeping the love light burning either. i can't figure out how you're not freaking out too. that's the only reason why i would suspect you have a new girlfriend or love interest. because you just don't seem to notice and when i bring it up, you only want to gloss over it and be done with it. i don't get any further insight into your busy life that doesn't involve me.

this is not a breakup email. do not reply defending every sentence PLEASE. just think really hard about what you really want and if it's not me, tell me. i'm going crazy. "

after the week i have had, one would think i would write about this:

but the subject is really this:




not in a castrating bitch, i'm-free-from-the-chains-of-my-relationship kind of way. more in a, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-i-found-my-legs-again kind of way.

i think.

i just republished summerdress. it's back. i'm back.

i was away for a long time. i wrote covertly but never published.

today i discovered things i had written almost a year ago. and it's funny because the valley that ran through the middle of my heart then, is deeper than ever now.

a year passed.

a whole year.

i smile because i think otherwise i will cry.

same boy. new year. new heartbreak.

i got dumped.

it sucks.

but i'm so amped to discover myself again. i was so worried that he didn't love me for the me i loved. in the end i realized that he did. but i didn't feel completely free with him until i knew it was over and i had nothing to lose.

it makes sense to me anyway.

so i'm back.

full circle.

a quarter of a century this week. my golden birthday.

lost and confused. but that's the best time to reinvent yourself and make everything fresh and shiny and new again. and look through different glasses. and see the world through another slant of light.

it's crazy to see how long we delayed the inevitable.

the evidence is all there... emails, our blog......... yikes!

were we really so wrong together? honestly he was my other half when we were in tune, but we just couldn't keep the beat.

wow.