so woody and i listen to world cafe on npr from time to time. today we were talking about liking npr and he started talking about how he loves to listen to talk radio while he drives..

long road trips.

i said, ugh, i can't pay attention to the road because i get too into the talking. he says he only likes non-fiction subjects... academic studies, etc.

today we talk about the study by brock university:

Having Older Brothers Increases a Man's Odds of Being Gay.

i think it's a load.
the thought behind it is interesting enough but come now....

anyway, i don't want to talk about the study.

i want to talk about the fact that this evening, while perusing consublahblahblah, i came across the following conversation:

Scheme a little scheme

Scheme a little scheme said, "Having Older Brothers Increases a Man's Odds of Being Gay. (At least, Brock University thinks so.) Laughter and derision go here. Please form an orderly line."
random.

i hate so much coincidence. because i don't know what it means.
it would pain me i think if it meant nothing at all.


like this coincidence. i have had a running joke (ok ok ok conversation....) with the person featured somewhere below, about going to china in september. he apparently stays for the month? i don't know the whole story (btw, are you a polygamist?) but anyway, randomly, out of fucking
NOWHERE
my ex emails me a few days ago to say:

i wanted to ask you to go to china with me in september.



what the fuck?!

seriously. is my computer tapped?

i mean shit. we could have a fucking party in shanghai in september i think! apparently everybody goes to fucking china in september.

maybe i'll buck the system and go ride the
"slooooooooooooow boat" to laos with rebecca instead.

work leaves me too tired to write.

i'm so looking forward to vacation this weekend.

wedding, friends, family...

it will be good.

i'm too tired to even make jokes or be cynical.

what is happening to me?

my sarcasm/happiness/anger is all expounded (is that even a word, i don't know.. it sounds weird) at the office.

ew.

i'll find it.

natural replenishment this weekend.

hooray.

and don't lose faith in me and my ability to be not-boring.

stay tuned.

i might even be exciting again.


ok, don't hold your breath.
baby steps.

1. this.


2. speaking to micah. he finally made the big move. week in paris. week in milan. then off to begin life in barcelona. amazing. he's my hero.


last night sort of sucked.
t called yesterday to tell me that she picked up a gaggle of hot boys at the pool and was bringing them to me. t is a model. she picks up very attractive men. these happened to be basketball players, the shortest of which was 6foot7inches. 2.01 meters. i felt like a dwarf. even t is 6foot 3 inches in heels. thank god i wore 4" wedges so i was 5'10".

we went to this rooftop bar, where the only thing that kept the night from not-sucking occurred.

one of the basketball players came over to where i was talking to t and meeting her new friends and said, "i have to tell you, you are one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen." how incredibly kind.

i love compliments and being complimentary.

genuinely_complimentary

probably my favorite compliment this year came from micah. he told me that he has never not liked a single song i've ever played. yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

it's all in the timing my friends.


anyway, we went to spice. blahblahblah. dancing. waaaaaaaaaay too much booze. gave mike a bajillion dollars for driving me home. then left my credit card in the cab so he had to deliver to me today.

oh and successfully avoided any kind of face to face contact with tony/kev the israeli guy from last weekend. whew! disaster averted.


goajfoajfoe

i'm too bored/lazy/tired to write anything interesting.

just that this day started out very depressing and those 2 things cheered me up.

i am always so fucking hesitant when making travel plans.

i learned tonight that the Earth is the hottest it's been in 2000 years.
i was thinking about what was happening on earth then, 2000 years ago.
doesn't it always seem like it was cold and dreary in the days of emperors and germanic tribes and all the caesars?
maybe just the movies i've been watching.
i guess it seemed pretty fucking hot in roman coliseums.

either way, i was looking at what happened in the first decade of the first century.

a lot of shit i don't remember learning?

did you know that china had its first census in the year 2 a.d.?

do you think people were smarter then?

it's not enough to acknowledge modern convenience.

like thank god for the convenience of modern technology.
give me a fucking break!

how cheap does that sound!

how irreverent!

it's not the end product that interests me so much as the thought behind it.

they were incredible thinkers!

hmmmm i don't know how to verbalize.

the thought was there.
maybe moreso than now.

but it takes time (a lot) and assemblage.

i guess.

shit. sometimes when i start thinking.. i'm pushing and maybe i'm getting to a place where i know what i'm talking about but i stop.

i choke.

i'm frustrated because i can't express myself.

anyway.

goddamn global warming.

what the fuck.

madonna turned off the a/c in chicago sunday night at the concert because of global warming.
air conditioning is no good for vocal chords.
but she also said something to the tune of, "are you hot out there? i asked them to turn off the air conditioning. you don't want to contribute to global warming, do you?"

maybe it's the mark of a 2000 year cycle.

i always try to analyze these things as signs.
i am always trying to interpret things that are probably coincidence as signs. proof.
manifestation.

i remember these little things.

and then ascribe it to a deeper relationship, deeper meaning when it shows up again in my life.

it
manifests
itself.

for example
i told someone very recently that i smelled like honeysuckle.
blahblahblah.
honeysuckle is random. how often do you talk about honeysuckle?
today i learned that in victorian times, young girls were not allowed to smell honeysuckle because it was thought to trigger erotic thought.

i didn't look for the honeysuckle.
it
found
me

ok. so now i will figure out why i needed to know that.
what does it parallel?
what is the take-away here?
what did we learn today children?

fuck. maybe just that i sometimes smell like honeysuckle and it was frowned upon for young women in the victorian era.

but how uninteresting.

it's much more exciting to think about the cycles of people with the same names in my life.

or this one:
my heart-breakingly beloved ex started playing the fucking sinatra song "fly me to the moon" right around the time that i sensed he was straying. i was so suspicious of this damn song. it held no bearing to me or us. and i knew his little signs, little obsessions. he listened to it on repeat. and obviously it wasn't reminding him of me. knowing him, he learned of this song from another woman. it reminded him of her. he was having another one of his fleeting obsessions. and he was listening to it on repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
i think the next day it became his tagline on msn (another segment of his life of which i was not a part).. and next, it became his ringtone for certain callers on his ever mysterious mobile.

phew!
anyway, this is not the point. not at all.

the point is: my darling's new favorite song quickly turned to my personal symbol of his infidelity. and ultimately:
LOATHING.

a deplorable emblem.

so then, right after the breakup, i met a new friend who showed me these very sweet animations he used to make his exgirlfriend. the first one he ever shared with me featured a rocketship, to the tune of Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to The Moon."

and my symbol of ugliness and infidelity sweetened.
it made me laugh.
and then i loved it. not in the context of my ex (honestly any reference to it from him and my head spins)... but in the context of my new friend and his beloved.

ok ok ok so what the hell does it have to do with anything and what is to take away from this?
I DON"T KNOW THE SIGNIFICANCE.

but i will know when it happens.

when i can define the parallel.


so does this make me a lunatic?
studying, documenting, analyzing details and people and events so that i can chart cycles and patterns.

it seems completely normal to me.
but when i think of it from an outside perspective, ok, maybe it's bizarre.
it doesn't seem nearly as incredible to read it in black and white.



yeah, i don't care.
this is how i remember things, by documenting.
this is how i communicate, by linking people and events.

maybe this is why it takes me some time to really warm up to most people.
i have to watch them, test them, feel them out to figure out where they are going to fit.

a giant
WEB

like how interesting it is to see how people find this blog. what did you type into your search engine that brought you here?

it reminds me of this post where i wondered what it would be like if you knew how people or places or songs or things would affect your life the first time you were ever introduced to them.

it would take some of the drama and excitement and romance out of living i think.

hmmmmmm.

beautiful life.

what next? the moon?

ha!

maybe. if it gets any hotter down here.

i'm ready.

pewwww i stink i think. ick. my hands smell like cheap soap.

get ready to jump.


i like to think about patterns in life.

natural ones of all kinds.

cycles.
visual pattern.
emotional pattern.

dammit my pattern analysis is being interrupted by this stupid show on mtv that i love.
this guy cheated on his girlfriend and they broke up. she left in a pretty awful scene. he let her cool off and then started calling again. now he is showering her with flowers and being the most perfect boyfriend. she hasn't taken him back yet. but damn if he isn't off to a good start!

flowers mean i'm sorry
chocolates mean i love you

i had this weird conversation with my mother last night.

she ALWAYS asks about him.
"what's the latest?"
"what are you gonna do?"
"be proud, but don't let pride get in the way."
"i'd hate for you to walk away from the ONE."
"you never know until you try."

it's so odd because my mother is usually super negative. cynical and conservative and realistic and totally NOT a dreamer like me.
to me she is warm and fuzzy and a little cherub, but she sometimes comes off as a little abrasive. she either really likes people or really doesn't.
it's usually very black and white with her.

but i digress.

why is she so into this?

she's the one i cried to every 2 hours for the first few days.
i woke her up in the middle of the night from the other side of the world. sobbing my eyes out.
she saw my devastation and felt my pain.
and somehow she wants me to give it a chance.

so ok.

oooooooh they just starting making out on tv. yesssssssssssssssssssss.
i want to make out with that range rover.

oh jesus. but next week they're going to break up again.

shitttttttttttttttttt

he did all the right shit. said all the right things. painted a beautiful picture to win her back. but he didn't fucking change. same bullshit.
yeah yeah yeah he wanted her back. but not badly enough to be a good person.

ajfdlakjflkdsajf

ROAROAROAOROAROAORAORAORAOAROAROAR

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

ok. i'll watch something happy and mindless (as if The Hills isn't mindless enough)...



oops. i can't get my mind back on the cycles.
the patterns in life.
fuccccccccccccckkkkkkkk
next time.

and ps- my dad is still pissed

dude.

just so none of you thought i was TOO ladylike, and just in case none of you were feeling nauseated enough today, here is some photographic evidence of the ants that bit my ass under my too short dress saturday night.

it seemed like a great plan while waiting for the valet to bring the car around.

i think this is proof that wasted + pants optional + trying to play it cool sitting on a planter= poor judgement.

jesus, i'm lucky that ant bites are all i got. i guess.

and just in case you STILL weren't feeling grossed out enough, here are some more photos of what those little bastards did to me.


OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


andddd in other news. it looks like i'm headed back to turkey in a couple of weeks. hopefully Bodrum.

and with any luck, maybe i will get to see my dear dear friend mikkkkkkah. who is moving to espagne tomorrow- wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

and if i don't go back to turkey, it will probably be HK or Korea. basically, the line is in shambles and i have to travel.
sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

furthermore, this girl on tv just said,
"and i hope i proved to them... i may be an idiot as a person, but i'm a damn good chef."

whoa baby.

good old Hell's Kitchen.


speaking of hells kitchen, JC has quit and is going to work at JC the company in NYC. i started looking for jobs in nyc again. i'm hoping to be back in a few months.

SR is there now which is uber cool. i looooove newbies. can't wait to take them to the speakeasy.

and my family has decided to spend christmas in the city again which is SO amazing and decadent and my favorite thing ever.

so yeah.
i'm off.

and in case you were wondering, i took my tibetan personality test. i ranked:
tiger (pride)
horse (family)
sheep (love)
pig (money)
cow (career)

and here's what i thought of
dog (myself)-- loyal
cat (my partner)-- sneaky
rat (my enemies)-- dirty
coffee (sex)-- strong
the sea (my future)-- boundless

xx

*****************

wow. the WEIRDEST thing just happened.my phone rang earlier and i thought i wasnt expecting any calls and i couldnt think of anyone i was dying to talk to that would call at this hour.. so i didn't
pick
it
up


and then much later i forgot about it.

and i was listening to this TV show in the background while i was doing other things

and suddenly out of the white noise i hear

we met our next blahblahblah in south carolina. his name is TRAVIS.

and i thought wow, they said his name loudly as i reached into my bag to grab something.

and then i remembered my missed call and i opened my phone.

1 missed call

received calls

TRAVIS

old friend i haven't spoken to on the phone in maybe years?

weirdddddddddddd.

one of them is love.


the big question is: does she move straight to europe, for life as an ex-pat?

or does she move to nyc, get a leg up, then move?

of course she also wats to quit her job in fashion and become a professional dancer.

she's ready to live in a romantic city and be a stranger.
no particular place. could be southeast asia, but not sure i'm ready to take that plunge yet.


my sister called me tonight. with a new crush.

GAG.

i have so many doubts about forever.

how do you make someone not want to cheat on you? how do you make them see it's better to end things before it gets to that point?

but what about when it's too late for that kind of instant gratification.
when you can't just shake hands and say, welp! it's been fun. see ya!
when you're married. or still more binding, children.

having to think of someone other than yourself for the rest of your life. and i don't mean your significant other, i mean your children.

ignoring your selfish and sometimes carnal desires and thinking about what is right for your family unit.

love is the #1 thing that lasts longer than time.
you have to make choices every day.
define yourself.

i choose L-O-V-E.

are you ready?

hmmmmmmmmmmm...

i'm not in the mood for this blog tonight.


i'm not grouchy or witty.

but i know someone who was.

ahem, ahem.

grmpf!

it's onomatopoeia.

tomorrow cher blog , tomorrow.

tonight i was not a good friend.

i am nervous for her "crisis."

i cannot handle if it involves any kind of infidelity.

is this symbolic?

i don't know.

tonight i missed him.

maybe i was looking through the world with rose colored glasses, but i missed him so much i thought i might puke.

i thought of the last dinner at de valk.

and waiting for the bus.


and i wondered if the people around us knew about the war going on between us.

i wondered if we even knew about the war between us.

in spite of all of the shit, we were still completely connected. we laughed because we had thought once upon a time we would have children together.

i guess it wasn't that funny.
or at least i didn't think it was.

we danced to stupid songs in the living room.

i tried not to think that every moment, every action, every glance, would be the last.


and i forgot about all the bad.
all the ugliness.
all of the corruption of our perfect love.

i focused on the happiness.
and it brought pain. pain of saying goodbye.

and now fear.
fear of the unknown.

my mum told me not to let pride stand in the way. ev-er.
like not going to bed angry.

i thought about the time that i watched him sleep and thought if i died in my sleep right now, i'd die happy.

i had this love that so many people never feel.

the kind of love that completely consumes you. almost knocks you off your feet. the kind where your heart explodes with happiness.
and you feel paralyzed without them.

i smiled because i thought we were the dream team.



reconciliation
hurdles
MOUNTAINS to overcome


that daft punk song, make love.

hold my hand.

these aren't new things.

sure the players are different. the venue is new.

but the rules have not changed.
and the game certainly has not.

another weekend.

it was a weird one. i'm still not used to being single i think.

i don't know what to do with myself when someone talks to me in a bar or at a party. it doesn't feel right.

how dumb am i.

last night was weird.


ttttttttaaaaaaaammmisssssssssssssssssssssss's birthday party. i lip-synched chaka kahn's aint nobody.

and stayed awake until 6am.

im so tired i could puke.

i just realized what i find to be an incredible coincidence.

another fucking SR.

i feel like it marks another cycle. im too tired to analyze what it involves.
other than a new beginning.

another chance perhaps?


****

i got the raddest email from rebecca on friday night.
she is in thailand at the moment and will be travelling around southeat asia for 3 months. in september she leaves to travel in new zealand and australia for another 3 months. i wrote her back to tell her i'd have a big check next month and would potentially like to meet up somewhere along the way.

i need an adventure.

****


it has now been over a year since i got here.

it's time.


see you soon fair city.

last night

pffffffffffffffffffffffffff

everyone assumes that girls in bars, when not accompanied by males, are there to get some action/meet a date/find a husband. maybe not everyone, but too many people think that.

and maybe i think that a lot of the time.

but it's fucking obnoxious.

when i dress myself, it is for me. almost ALWAYS-- i'd venture to guess 97% of the time. i know this because when i come home from work and change (just to sit on the couch and write emails or cook dinner by myself), i will change clothes 5 times sometimes until i find something that:
a) suits my mood
b) i find myself attractive in

i do the same thing on saturdays like today. i came home from meeting a friend for lunch and decided that it is time to spring clean, now that it is summer. cleaning the house means clothes that i can get dirty. it does NOT mean throw on any old rag i find lying around because all i'm doing is cleaning the house.
do i want to clean with or without shoes today?
pants/shorts/skirt?
hair: almost always up, but ponytail? chignon? long braid?

i do this because it makes me feel good.

it's the same the vast majority of times when i go out.
i will change clothes 42 times if i have to. what was flattering last night or this morning, is not necessarily attractive tonight. my eye changes constantly.
i think sort of like your opinion can change on someone you didn't find attractive until you discovered their amazing musical talent/intelligence/personality/sense of humor/SLR McLaren.

anyway, the whole point is that when i dress to go out, whether it's a velour muumuu or a slinky black cut-down-to-there dress, it's for me and my mood and possibly, on a special occasion, my significant other.

that said...
boys: do not whisper to your buddy that i am out looking to meet a rich man. especially not within earshot. it is not becoming. and i will certainly not be cumming anywhere with you, ever.

and girls: i am not a homewrecker. i am not eyeing your boyfriend. or any of the other sleazeballs in this place for that matter.

and neither are my friends.

we are here for each other. we are a tight unit. do not try to perpetrate or you will be shot down.

that's all.

now that we all understand each other, let's have a drink and forget any of this ever happened.

Cin-Cin!

i haven't brushed my hair in a week.

speaking of hair and head and good head. i need a headhunter.
resumes all over my gorgeous city.

if you look closely, you can see the big "e" for eatery sign on the left side of 9th ave. we were completely snowed in. the only people driving were the drug dealers.

she texts "pb farewell party.. wheeeeeeeee! have fun & good luck."

he texts "thanks.."


score.


THEY move back to nyc.

she is envious. stuck in what, this week, is her own personal hell.

it comes in waves.

undulating.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....


it feels so good...............


but, no. it doesn't.



habitual.

sometimes lovely. sometimes very mundane. sometimes a
dirty
nasty
skeleton in your closet.

apparently it takes 3 weeks to make something a habit.

may 16.

i think yesterday marked three weeks.




but i can't be fucked to look at a calendar. i am too busy engaging in my new habits.

you're probably not conscious of the bad ones. the ones that seem harmless and begin as "dabbling."

and maybe you're thoroughly haunted by the ones that seem painful and awful. but they'll probably turn out to be the best ones for you.

the thing i hate about habitual/habits is the loss of control.

maybe that's an exaggeration. but there is some inevitable loss of control. you no longer will it. it's not intentional anymore.

it's simply done.



tonight i got this text:


yesssssssssssssssssssssssss



fucking hell.
i can't concentrate.
i can tell i'm stressed. my skin is a nightmare.

another re-org. same fucking department. same fucking boss that love/hates me. she loves to throw around the word "boss." she's my "boss." so quick to criticize. almost never complimentary.

i'm stupid and gullible and naive, but i think it's better to compliment unnecessarily.
NOT falsely.
I mean genuine compliments.

when i try to appeal to her personable side she thinks i am a slacker. she loves the me that i hate. bitchy. serious.

a serious bitch.

but not even.
she prefers everything to be flat.
life in 2-D.
i think she prefers a world devoid of emotion. or maybe i'm way off-base?

her passion is not evident.

i prefer a lumpy, bumpy topographical life.

i can feel the difference between happy and sad.


i get my new assistant in a few weeks.

i hope she never feels this way about me.

small town hero.

sometimes you have to take the chance.

time to chill the fuck out.


everything's gonna be alright.


life is cool.


the more i think about it, the more sure i am that the meaning of life (at least for me) is L-O-V-E.

and not necessarily romantic love. but love.

love for your friends. your family. people you may never even meet. loving people are so amazing to be around. and it is infectious. it makes life so pleasant.

And if you should be SO LUCKY as to find that perfect love, you should protect it with everything in your power.



****

i went to THIS concert tonight.



it was so romantic. i was there with my friends. enjoying the romance of being alive.

it rained. not hard. but a soft, beautiful rain the whole time.

we were soaked to the bones.
dancing in the rain.

such a universal language, dancing.

it was lovely.

i felt happy

so many ridiculous expenses this month.

akjfalkjf;lakjdf;lahorewiuro


GRRRRRRRR... pisses me off.

all kinds of stupid plane ticket changes.
On sunday, i get to the airport, dropped off by my parents, to fly home after a nice weekend. i was so fucking exhausted. fell asleep in the car on the way to the airport while my parents were saying their goodbyes. get inside to check in, ready to go back to sleep at the gate and my ticket info can't be found.
what?!
turns out i booked my return trip for the wrong day.
son of a bitch.
had to pay to change it because i had to get back for my selling meeting at 9am monday morning.

today i had to buy my bridesmaids dress. the company was completely out of them except for one that is two sizes too big. and it's fucking expensive.
shit.
so now i have to pay for this dress that i will have to have altered the minute it gets here. basically the dress will have to be remade. chalk that up to the growing sum of money bleeding out of my ass right now.
and shoes. ivory heels that i will probably never wear again.
and the plane ticket to NC for the wedding.
for godssakes.

at least it's going to be a fan-fucking-tastic wedding with a bazillion old friends.

it's a good thing i'm in the green nowadays because otherwise i would be bankrupt living in a cardboard box right about now with all this shit. eating jujubees. like patrick swayze.

and i am still planning to buy a ticket to nyc next weekend.

jfaljfladfj



it's only money.

in 2 days there will be another pretty check.

and 7 days after that, ANOTHER.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


************************

and speaking of nyc, it never occurred to me that everyone would have ho's in different area codes...
i thought if you moved somewhere new you should be humble and new and shy.

NOT SO.

"what are the plans for saturday night?"
???????

ick.

single and 27 in nyc.
ICK

oh well. i stay out of it.

xx

***************

ooooh ps- i forgot i saw this guy in the airport on sunday.



i locked eyes with him and thought he looked totally familiar and then i realized who it was and i started laughing.

so many questions i'd like to ask....
starting with: what is it like to be a mtv reality lifer?? is that a lucrative career?? are coral's boobs really that big?? have you hooked up with tanya?

hot, just hot.

does being in a relationship entitle you to having indiscretions?

seriously.

did i miss this piece of the venn diagram? the overlap has gotten enormous.

like a fucking solar eclipse.


seriously. the cusp of being completely superimposed.
the extinction of true love.

but life lives on.



so it seems i'm hapless at the moment. not unhappy. hapless.

not without happy, just without hap.

star crossed.

he loves me, he loves me not.

what is it all about?

all the great conundrums.



WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

i always thought it was about
1-making yourself great
2-finding your perfect match (ie: mutual greatness)
3-turning your true love into something tangible: children
4-cultivating them into beautiful people with your pure and true love
5-and it continues

and i thought that the subheadings were whatever you wanted/needed to support (but never deter) this whole and true love.

but that this love was the center. the number one priority.
TRUTH.

nothing that will ever degrade the perfect shelter of your love.

it should be like a holy place.

a sanctuary, in the most religious sense of the word.

somewhere you can always seek shelter. without judgement. unconditionally.

and because it is so unbreakable and the bond so strong, you can turn away temptations. you can make the impossible possible.

*******

now i think how naive!

love empowering instead of debilitating?

ha!

what a handicap it can be!

*******

but surely that is when you know that it is NOT pure and precious and true.

true love is not the victim of circumstance.

it finds a way because it is truth. fact.
absolute.


IT JUST IS.

and i guess you can philosophize that it's all a matter of perception and blahblahblah.

but in this case it only takes two people to hold it as truth (bottom-line-kind-of-truth) to make it so.

does this make sense?

is there anybody out there?

it was a good weekend.

a good weekend for love.

not in the sense of being in love. but mending old wounds and laying proper groundwork.

friday night started very well.

blue post.
(he loves me)
tango du chat
(where are you?)
bella festa
(he LOVES me)

on the walk home a very VERY hot blonde woman that i had never seen before stopped me. she said "you are so incredibly beautiful."

and then she turns to SR who i am walking with and says "do you know how lucky you are to be leaving with this woman? she is so gorgeous and sexy. i wish i was going home with her." blahblahblah.

and SR just laughed and said "i know."

i thought holy fuck. who is this woman and how do i clone her?? she is totally hooking my game up!

and i told SR i might go home with her.

and then the night got crazy.

we saw cops on horseback chase some guy down.

then there was the riverfront. and the alley. it was intense.
and sad.
and wonderful.

and then there was the walk to chad's. there were about 2 dozen cops. looking for a stolen bike. jesus.

i walked to the side of the building where Hester was making out with German, "faking" the cops out. right.

to douglas and george's apartment. i just want to talk about what happened and what is happening but is not possible.

the world is too small. the rumor mill is too, too big.
shit loads of booze. and tons of drugs i never saw.
it's 5am. i have to get home.

mystery text to SR saying something about boyfriends and my nerves or something? weird.

i go to sleep in the guest room.
8:45 am i wake up in bed with sul & david!?! what the fuck.

yeah it was shady.

shopped. ate. got manicure & pedicure with mother. king is so freaking cute.

saturday night birthday dinner for me! lobsters wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

after= chad's apartment. yo!sake. lula's. bella festa.
whoa baby.

night was super fun. only ick part was dropping my guard. not playing it cool for one split second. lajflajld;lfjadslfjla;f

dammit.

my text was so dorky.

but i thought what the hell? i can't always be an icy hardass.

but apparently i should be.

lwqjflewqjlewrkhqkrhjlk43r3

no text back.

today i saw two ex boyfriends in a matter of a half hour.

hatchets were buried

the beach is a great place to make peace.

cease and desist.

i am hungover and grouchy.

i reject these fuckers. and all that they stand for.

honestly.

STAND OUT OF MY SUNLIGHT.

remember when you could have it all?


you lost it. threw it away like yesterday's garbage. fucked it away. burned it away and pissed on the ashes.

STAND OUT OF MY SUNLIGHT.

if it takes everything i have, i will exorcise these demons.

onwards and upwards.

so many prospects so little time.



*******

one called them nyc blues.
2 years later the other calls them nyc blues.
beautiful but so complex.

his heart is like a puzzle.

i will see how it plays out.

*******


make of it what you will.

why are there rules and statutes and creeds and limitations and canons that govern love and how you proceed.

how and why and when and where to follow.

the heart wants what it wants they say.

pffffffff.

you're allowed to break hearts into 3209420348 tiny pieces and blow them off your hand like dandelion petals like it's nothing. with wild abandon even!

but when it's time put the pieces back together, there are 248239472048 cautionary rules telling you how and why and when and where to follow.

it's no matter though.

like the phoenix that rises from the ashes..

i think of these nasty ugly bitter things and say

FUCK YOU.
STAND OUT OF MY SUNLIGHT.

i went to a going away party tonight.

another close friend.

leaving.

gone.

it's hard not to internalize and think why is this person leaving me?? why does everyone leave me???

i can't wait for something that will never leave.

maybe that's why i adore my parents so much? and my blankie.

these things will never abandon me.

my parents because they're not allowed to. my blankie because it doesn't have legs to run.


why are love and life and relationships so tricky?

there are so many levels. and everyone has a fucking agenda. everyone's out to promote their own ass.
i can't wait for the power struggle to be over. love shouldn't be about who has the power.

it is a bond. a partnership. the highest friendship. it is saying to someone: i hold you above everything and everyone else. you are worth the sacrifice. you are worth the rest of my days. for you, i will make the impossible possible.

but it's even more simple.
true love.

pure.

simple.

for you, i will.